I Will Survive

Okay, Lovies. I’ve got important things to discuss and only twenty minutes to discuss them.

The first important topic of discussion is this: SPANX. My mama and I discovered them this weekend. We learned that everyone in America is wearing them except us. We bought some and we are deeply in love. We feel like the whole world has been cheating and we didn’t have the notes. No wonder the gym is so empty when I’m there. I might never get on an elliptical again. Why bother? Thank you forever, Spanx Inventor Lady.

Spanx are actually my second important discovery this month. My first epiphany came when I finally learned what my problem is. My problem is that I am brain challenged. As I discussed before, I have spent my entire life operating with only my right brain, and I have still managed to create a nice little life for myself. I think this means that I am sort of heroic and might be a contender for a little inspirational piece on the evening news. Local mother perseveres with only half a brain . . . this sort of thing.

But I’ve been (half) thinking more about this issue. I am inspired by all of you left brainers who try to understand the poetry I post, or who try to follow anything I say, really. I have decided it’s time for me to develop a right brain. If my little family is going to make it, I’m going to have to start knowing about things and paying attention and writing things down and showing up at places on the right days. I’ve got to, guys. I’ve GOT to get an itty bitty organized.

Chase started school last week. Tish starts today. Every day now there are lunches to make and papers to sign and invitations to read and do something with and clothes to put on and are you ready for this?? PRACTICES AT WHICH TO SHOW UP. Chase is playing baseball. The Meltons have signed up for an activity. Which I was so excited about until the coach emailed us the “master schedule” which was a SPREADSHEET and scared me so horribly that I screamed and covered my eyes and told Craig that I couldn’t handle it so I’d have to close the file and try again in a week. And Craig looked at it and said, “if you wait a week to try again, he will have already missed three practices.”

WHAT?

Do you understand why my world is currently spinning out of control? Why I am continuously locking myself in my bedroom and rocking back and forth in the fetal position? THREE PRACTICES A WEEK AND ALSO I HAVE TO MAKE DINNER? HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS MOTHER THING AND MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY? Sweet baby Jesus.

Okay. Enough panicking. I have got to pull it together, for the sake of the children.

After much review and discussion, I think Craig and I have discovered one little part of our problem. We have never had a calendar. Well, we had a calendar, but it was a dry erase calendar . . . so we only knew what was happening THIS MONTH. For example, if we got an invitation for an event that was to occur the following month, I’d likely just throw it away. What else could I do? Or when a friend called to ask me if we were busy three Saturdays from now, I’d say, “Oh, that’s in July, and it’s only June now. So there’s really no way for me to know. Can you call me back on July 1?” This sort of thing. Also, sometimes Tish would get a paper towel and erase the whole calendar and all of our events, and I’d just decide to start over the next month. The dry erase calendar was really hard on us. We missed a lot of things. Actually, I’m pretty sure we missed everything.

Anyway, I was at the grocery store this weekend and there was a new mommy behind me in line trying to hold her baby with one hand and put all her groceries on the conveyor belt with the other hand, and it looked really hard. So I started helping her empty her cart. But she got flustered and said, “Oh, thank you but it’s okay. I like to sort my groceries.” And I stared at her and there was a little awkward silence. And she said, “You know, I put all the frozen things together and all the fruits and vegetables together.” And I kept staring at her. And she said, “It just makes it easier for me when I get the groceries home.” And I thought: WOW. And then I thought what I always think: Do people think of these things all by themselves or did I miss a class? And all I could think to say was, "Oh, okay. I bet you sort your laundry before you put in the washer too, don’t you? Like you put things that are red in a different load than the things that are white, right?” And she looked confused and said, “Well, yes. Don’t you?” And I showed her my pinkish socks and shook my head no. And then we just ended the conversation because really, we didn’t have much in common. Cute baby, though.

The point is that there seems to be systems out there that help people at this life management thing. Systems like calendars and sorting groceries and things. Systems that other people know about but I don’t. And so I need you to TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE.

Now let me be very specific about the kind of help I need.

Last week I was in the doctor’s office and I picked up one of those Parenting Magazines. I normally DO NOT read these sort of magazines because they always make me feel like I’m supposed to be planning elaborate backyard parties for Cinco De Mayo for all of the neighborhood children and seizing opportunities like red lights to teach my toddlers German. Parenting mags stress me out. But this magazine said in big letters on the front: “TWENTY WAYS TO MAKE BACK TO SCHOOL TIME EASIER.” And so I picked it up with much fear and trembling and hope and opened it up. And idea number one was this: CUT YOUR CHILD’S SANDWICH INTO PUZZLE PIECES SO HE HAS A FUN AND BRAIN EXPANDING ACTIVITY AT LUNCH!”

And so I may have loudly said the following in the otherwise silent waiting room: "OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE." And I may have tossed the magazine in the trashcan and picked up People.

Listen, ladies. I need some help with getting my family life organized. But Momastery is not The Martha Stewart Show. Momastery is SURVIVOR, all right? Take it easy on me.

Also, I am proud to report that I bought a calendar with real pages. And I bought a pen. And the pen is NEXT TO THE CALENDAR. Well, actually, it’s not anymore, now that I look, but it was. So that’s a start.

What do you do to stay organized during the school year? How do you survive? Help.

My twenty minutes are up. Love you