Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Y... TRH (Yes, This Really Happened)




Craig and I felt very tired after Christmas this year, so instead of disposing of our Christmas tree properly, we threw it on the back porch and left it lying there for months. One morning in late February, I looked out at the abandoned tree on the porch floor and noticed that it looked much smaller than I remembered it. I was curious about that. A week later I looked outside again and saw that the tree was smaller still. What had originally been an eight foot tree now looked like it couldn’t be much longer than I. I realized that the tree was decomposing, right there on my porch floor, without the help of worms or soil or any of the other Earthy things I had always thought were necessary for decomposition. Forever the teacher, I was delighted to have a science experiment that Chase and I could experience together.

One morning I walked Chase to our glass doors and pointed out the shrinking tree on the porch floor. He was amazed. We bundled up and went out on the porch to measure the tree together. We discovered that the tree was three feet shorter than it was in its glory days, when it stood proudly in our family room. Chase was fascinated. We discussed the process of decomposition and he asked me a lot of questions about how a tree could decompose in an enclosed room and I widened my eyes and said it's amazing, isn’t it? I told him it must be decomposing due to all the air and also, you know, all the science. Each morning, Chase and I sat on the floor side by side, looked through the glass doors at the Christmas tree on the porch floor, and observed it shrink smaller and smaller still. Chase was thrilled. I patted myself on the back for being such a conscientious and sciency mom.

One morning, while Chase and I were sitting on the floor, staring at the tree, and discussing our amazement that it was now clearly just INCHES long… Craig walked up behind us. He heard the tail end of our conversation and interrupted us with the following:


Husband: “Glennon, what are you talking about?”

Me: “Chase and I have been observing this tree for a month. Husband, It’s AMAZING. The tree gets smaller everyday. We had no idea things could decompose at this rate and INSIDE. So cool. Chase has even talked to his teacher about it.”

I waited for Husband to be dazzled by my extraordinary parenting and teaching and observation skills.

Husband: Silence.

Me: Scared.

Husband: Glennon. I’ve been using the tree for firewood.



I start homeschooling in three days. It’ll be fine.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My Lobster



Some days are just too hard to write about. Like today. Today's my baby Sister's birthday. Tomorrow she leaves me for Rwanda for 9 months. Where she'll use her law degree, her courage, and her faith to fight to protect brutalized little girls for whom noone has ever fought before.

So instead of writing, I sit here and think. Or try not to, rather. And I stare at pictures of her on my computer and I swallow hard. I have no clue where to start, or what to say, or how to even pray. So I think, I'll just write nothing. It's too hard. Everyone will understand. Sister will understand. And so I close up the blog. Nothing today, friends.

And I open my email, and this message is waiting from Lou. My Lou, your Lou. The Lou we all met through Momastery. And she writes this:

I've been thinking about Sister too. I hope you are posting the prayer for Sister this week. I still like that prayer, G. Usually whenever I go back and read something I wrote, I want to edit it. But I don't have that feeling with that prayer.

Here's Lou's prayer. It's by my bed. I am going to pray it every morning and every night until my baby sister is back in my kitchen. Cooking, preferably. I would love it if you would pray it once too. Just reading it today counts as praying, of course. Everything counts as praying.

Dear God,

I'm scared. About Sister. I don't want her and her family to be scared all the time. I want them to be able to sleep at night. And wake up with hope and faith and excitement. And have peaceful hearts throughout the day. I lay all my fears down at your feet. Pick them up and take them away from me. So I can be strong and fierce and continue to pray for her work in Rwanda. Where they need her. Those who are oppressed. Who live in fear daily. Hourly. Those who have been treated unfairly. For Sooooooo Loooong. Thank you for all the experiences in Sister's life that prepared her for this time in this place. Rwanda. Protect her and keep her safe. And healthy.

Provide her just-in-time emotional, physical and spiritual rest, energy, and stamina. Sufficient and abundant preparation in all aspects. Safe travels. Safe shelter. And MORE SAFETY for God's sake. Not too many bugs! Good companions... relational and professional. Someone who makes her laugh! Someone particularly blessed with whom she can share her burdens! All the expertise needed. God-given slip ups on the part of the oppressors and God-given contacts from the oppressed with people at IJM. A flannel pillow or some other cozy thing. Bravery and courageousness for her and all those working with her and for all justice seekers and for all the oppressed. Sunlight, stars, and the beauty of God's creation! That the right people will be placed in the government and in power to do the right thing. That the laws are in place and changed as needed to rescue the oppressed. The sound of children laughing and singing! That hearts will be touched and changed because of the truth and light God shines through her on these situations in Rwanda. Beautiful hearts and good memories! That those who are rescued will be healed and comforted with bandages, and people, and rest, and the Lord. The smell of coffee or tea or some other lovely thing! That oppressors hearts would also be rescued and redeemed. Some justice here on earth! Just the right amount and kind of contact from home that she requires and desires. Powerful prayers continually being lifted up for her. Seeing and feeling God's presence powerfully every day! Did I mention safety, Lord? Keep her safe and secure, not only in your love and faithfulness, but in one piece, because G needs her back home here when she's done. Amen.

Amen.

I love you, Baby Sister.


I'm glad I still have a little Amanda to hold while you're gone.


She can't cook, though, Sister.

Hurry.



Monday, March 29, 2010

Beauty Collection Day


Lou asked for a Guest Post from Tisha, and what Lou wants, Lou gets. I found this letter recently while I was scrounging through Craig's dresser, looking for money.


December, 2009

Dear Craig,

It’s 4:00 in the morning and Bubba is sound asleep. I have been awake for a while, just lying in bed. As I laid there, I began thinking of our family and all that we have gone through with Glennon’s diagnosis during the past ten days. Feelings of gratitude and appreciation filled my heart. I realized I wanted to come to the computer and write to you.

As you know very well, our little G-bird is a passionate person who uses all her energy to accomplish what she feels she must do. I know it takes a lot of energy to live with someone who lives passionately. I am so grateful that she is married to a man who supports and encourages her to follow her passions. She wanted so much to be Tishy’s preschool teacher and experience the magical world of preschool aged children. You helped her make that happen and it wasn’t easy. You converted your downstairs to a school which took away badly needed space. You supported her in financing the supplies and furniture necessary to create her “dream classroom.” You assumed care of the children when she needed to prepare lessons. G got her chance to live out this dream and you helped her make it happen.

You continue to support and encourage her with Momastery. I admire the journey you are taking as parents and as young adults trying to find the best road to travel. The fact that you are partners in this journey provides much of the substance of Momastery. Most importantly, though, it is your confidence that she does have special talents and your faith that she should be doing what she is doing that motivates her to spread her wings and fly. G has her chance to write and you helped make it happen.

For the support and encouragement of her spirit and for the faith you have in Glennon, I am truly grateful. Yet I am even more grateful for something else you do for her. Last Monday morning when Glennon was so very ill, you called me to ask how much further I had to go to get to your home. You sounded in charge and in control. When I hung up, I realized that despite the calm in your voice, you and I were both frightened but trying to remain composed. Of course I prayed for God to cleanse G’s body of anything that could hurt her, and I prayed for me to arrive safely and quickly to your home to take care of the children, but I also said a prayer of thanks that you were the one who was with her. You always do what is best for Glennon. I feel so grateful to have a son-in-law in whom I can always put my faith and trust. You always make decisions which will support her and protect her.

When your child becomes an adult, you no longer have the power to do what needs to be done to see that she is safe and protected. But to know that there is someone there taking over for you, who makes decisions carefully, thoughtfully, and unselfishly, because he loves her with his whole heart…that gives a parent peace. Thank you so much for my peace.

In one of Glennon’s blog entries about her recovery she wrote, “Craig is the only person who could have saved me.” I thank God for bringing you to her. And I thank you for loving her the way you do. I am Forever Grateful. Merry Christmas!

Love, Tisha


I love my mama. Deep breaths today, Monkees. Love, G

Friday, March 26, 2010

Monkee Business


Hey Sweet Monkees.

It’s come to my attention that many Monkees are also entrepreneurs. One of the rules in our Momastery is that business dies here, which I think is a good rule because it helps us view each other as potential friends instead of potential customers. This is important. But I thought it might be fun if we lifted the ban this weekend and had ourselves a Monkee Business Day, or three. Because I looooove me some women who are moving and shaking and putting some bacon on the table, and I like to support those women. I also loooove women who are providing no bacon, like, for example, me. Please understand that I’m not making a judgment about bacon providers or no bacon providers, God, no. Let’s not go there again. As a matter of fact, I’m not allowed to eat bacon anymore and we all know that even if I were, I wouldn’t know how to fry it. You do fry bacon right? Anyway, enough about bacon. I'm not sure how we got so off topic. I'm sweating again.

I love you Monkees, and I want to help you in any way I can. I think that’s all I’m trying to say. So in an effort to support and honor all Monkee endeavours, let’s try this today… let’s lift the business ban. I’d like to know what it is that ya’ll do and sell because I like buying things from people who are trying hard not to be jerks. I think non-jerks are lovely people with whom to do business.

If you’d like to, please leave a link to your business, non-profit, blog . . . whatever you'd like us to check out and/or a description in the comments section. Also, if you're looking for a job, that might also be good to mention. ALSO…please leave the same the information on the Momastery Facebook Page and once you leave it there, the page will archive your link and Monkees will be able to search for you at their convenience. Maybe Jeanette or Jennifer could think of some cool way to organize the Monkee Businesses on the FB page because they seem smart at that.

I pray I have offended no one in any sort of bacony way with all of this Monkee Business.

I love you all. Have a WONDERFUL weekend.

Love, G

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's Just Human Natural


A guest post, from Our Chase...




Dear Monkees,

Have you had a baby sister that is 5 years younger than you and you feel like you LOVE her but you don't like it as much as you like her when she messes something up that you are doing? I do. Her name is Amanda. Amma for short. My mom changes her name SOSOSOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many times. once she was Tessa, then Amme, then Amanda, then, the weirdest of all, Scout!!!!! SCOUT, I tell you!

But when Amma messes up my stuff, it's only something that comes with life. It's human-natural. And sometimes, when you are in the middle of that time, you just have to let it go. Right now, I'm at the middle of that stage, so, can I tell you a secret: I sort of wish that it's 22 years later from now. [heehee.]


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Rock Star




"G, I told Adrianne that I think you're a rock star. You're just singing quietly right now."- Our Terri



Well, Terri, now that you mention it....here's the thing:




Terri, that's me.

In Mexico last summer, at my love Joey's wedding.

"Performing" for a crowd of 150, most of whom I hadn't seen since my bad good old days.

Sober.


With a singing voice that my 2 year old son once described as "sounds like hurt."

And although I'm sure it's obvious by the intensity in my face, I was singing the Growing Pains theme song.
You know....Show me that smile again....



So, Terri....am I a rock star?


Naaaah, Terri. You know I don't like to toot my own horn.







toot, toot.




Monday, March 22, 2010

Beauty Collection Day



It's Monkday, friends.

The essay below was written by Father John, the pastor at my dear friend Michelle's church.

Thank you, Father John, for the important reminder. I'm not responsible for changing another soul on this Earth. Just me. Just me.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

*******

Somewhere along the line, I picked up an image of humanity that - to the degree I can remember and apply its truth - is tremendously liberating. I share it with you as a pretty good way to enrich your Lent.

The image is that of everyone being locked up in their own individual cage.

Imagine, for a second, every single human being locked up in their own personal cage...a prisoner...captive somehow, to their own limiting beliefs, or deeply ingrained habits, or regrets, or fears.

If it's difficult to picture all of humanity that way, just picture someone close to you...your spouse, child, or parent, or a close friend or colleague. With just a little bit of thought, you can probably see their cage...some way they are imprisoned, captive to a limiting belief, habit, regret, or fear.

Now here's the second part of that image: every single human being, standing in those cages, also holds in his or her hand a key.

The key fits one lock, and one lock only.

Most of us assume our key can unlock other people's cages and so - well intentioned - we spend a considerable amount of time and energy reaching across to other people's cages, trying to fix other people's problems, trying to make our key fit their lock.

It's frustrating work, because our key only fits one lock, and that is the lock on our own cage.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Jesus asks (Matthew 7:3).

In other words, in any relationship, there is only person we can change, and that is us.

Now it's important to point out that just as changing one part of a mathematical formula affects everything around it, changing ourselves - changing our self - affects everyone around us, for better or worse.

But there's a huge difference - all the difference in the world! - between "affecting others" (as a byproduct of our own change) and "attempting to change others" per se.

So...you want some liberating news?

Your key doesn't fit your spouse's cage...your parents' cage...your child's cage...or anyone else's cage. It fits your cage.

And even more liberating news is this: by the grace of God, each person you love has their own key, too.

So let's focus our energy on changing the one person we can: our self.

"As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (Marianne Williamson)

See you Sunday,

Fr. John

St. James' Episcopal

Leesburg, Va


Friday, March 19, 2010

The Poorest, Ugliest Man on Campus, A Guest Post from Adrianne



My father’s name is Jimmy Elmer Adams. Every great once in a while, he will meet someone in a formal setting who will call him James, assuming it is his given name. But the name on his birth certificate is Jimmy. My mother calls him either JE or Jim, but she still has a Texas accent, so it sounds more like JEE-yim. He is a wonderful man. I absolutely adore him.

My dad has a gift for revering his past while still enjoying his present. He doesn’t tell his stories with a hint of sadness, just appreciation for his life experiences. He calls himself the luckiest man on earth. He’s also the best storyteller I’ve ever met. My dad has been repeating the same stories over and over again his whole life, but they still make people laugh. Even if someone (me) interrupts him with a polite chuckle and says, “Yah…heard that one already…” he will finish the story anyway, for the 500th time, with the same verve that he told it the first time.

My favorite part of his storytelling is when he stops to laugh at himself. He will get himself so tickled that he turns red in the face, throws his head back, closes his eyes, opens his mouth as wide as possible, and roars with laughter that sounds like machine gun fire. If the people around him are not laughing at the story itself, they are laughing at how tickled he is. Our neighbors used to tell us they could always tell when the Adams family was having dinner on the deck because bursts of laughter would echo through our woodsy neighborhood.

When my brother and I were teenagers, we used to joke that our friends liked our parents more than they liked us. Our friends were at our house all the time, and our parents liked having all of us around. It seems there was always at least one stray friend at our dinner table. My mother likes to think it is because her cooking was delicious (it was), but I am fairly certain it’s because a meal with my dad guaranteed you at least one or two hard belly laughs.

In 1994, I received my all-time favorite Christmas present from my folks. On the outside, it looked like a nondescript blue binder filled with a big stack of white paper. The first page read,

Book of Memories

Compiled in 1994

Dedicated to Future Generations of My Family

The binder was filled with my parents’ personal histories. The first half was written by my dad, and the second half by my mom. (Actually, my dad dictated his portion to my mother while she typed it for him. That woman can type like nobody’s business.) The chapters had titles like, It All Started When, Early Childhood, Junior High and Adolescence, Special Days & Family Events, etc. The subtitles included everything from Early Playmates to First Full-Time Job. My parents wrote all they could remember about their lives.

Today, I’ll tell you about my dad’s half of the binder.

My dad was born in 1939. He had a happy childhood and a very close-knit family. His stories have a sweetness that makes me feel nostalgic for an era that I didn’t experience...those soda fountain, pie-on-the-windowsill days that seem long-gone now. I feel like a lot of senior citizens treat today’s modern life like an assault on the simpler times from when they were kids. But my dad doesn’t do that. His stories seem to be just a pick-me-up to remind him of good times, good friends, and why it’s great to be alive.

Below are my favorite excerpts from my father’s history. Some make me sigh, some make me laugh, and some make me cry. They all make me proud to be his daughter.

All the years I lived in Crane, it was actually a very good place to grow up. Crane was a small town…completely isolated—the nearest town was something like 20 miles away. My friends and I spent all our time playing ball and camping out. The world was a little different then: kids had a lot more freedom because parents didn’t have to worry about as many things as they do now. In many ways, it was idyllic for a young boy.



There was another area about 10 miles from Crane that we referred to as the sand hills. The sand dunes were constantly shifting, due to the wind blowing, and you could find Indian arrowheads and pieces of Indian pottery. It was a wonderful place to camp out. The atmosphere was so devoid of any pollution that at night you could look up and see a blanket of stars that were so bright and clear.

We lived in two other three other houses in Crane. The most memorable one was one which my father built. My father was not an accomplished carpenter, and one corner of the roof drooped down; it almost looked as if he did it on purpose, but I can assure you he didn’t.

We suffered extreme economic hardship, but that never really affected the family relationships. In a way, I’m not sure that the collective struggle to deal with the financial hardships didn’t bring us all closer together. I think somehow dealing with a common adversity is a cathartic event that molds a stronger family.

The Cokers lived directly across the street from us when we lived in the shotgun house. The Cokers were unusual people. I remember sitting on the front porch and watching Mr. and Mrs. Coker fight with their relatives, and I mean literally. They would fight up and down the street with much yelling and swearing and the Coker kids running around screaming and crying. It was grand.

Growing up in Southwest Texas in a little town that was a million miles from anywhere, we didn’t have television even after it was commonplace elsewhere. Family entertainment consisted largely of listening to the radio. Some of my fondest memories are of the family sitting around the kitchen table on cold, winter evenings working jigsaw puzzles and listening to the radio. The programs that I remember most were Fibber McGee and Molly, Lux Radio Theater, Suspense, Mr. District Attorney, The Thin Man, The Shadow, Amos and Andy, The Great Gildersleeve, Sky King, Sergeant Preston of the Yukon, The Green Hornet, and Stella Dallas. The list could go on and on.

We would go out into the oilfields where a lot of well drilling had been done, and there was scrap cable lying around in the sand. We would find this cable, and I would pull it out from the sand and load it on this trailer. When we had the trailer full, we could take it to McCamey to sell it to a scrap metal dealer. Those kinds of endeavors when you are working just to stay alive, when you come through that, your relationship tends to be very, very strong.

In the hot summer, everybody would go to the swimming pool to swim; we had a community pool. The thing to do was to walk by the ice house on the way and get a scrap piece of ice to suck while you walked to the pool. We’d also walk to the movies, and on the way, we’d stop by the grocery store in town. In the summer, they had sugar cane, and you could buy a joint of sugar cane for a nickel.

I got my driver’s license when I was 14, and I was so excited. I got to take the car to the movies shortly after I got my license, and after the movie was over, I was talking with my friends and walked home and left the car at the movies. My father was thoroughly disgusted.

I’ll never forget the first day I had my convertible. It was a white convertible with a black and white interior. I had a date that night, so I dressed in black and white two-tone shoes, black trousers, a black and white shirt, and, of course, sunglasses. Altogether quite a natty fellow. As I was driving along on the way to get my date with the top down on my new convertible, a bird shat and splattered black and white bird droppings on my black and white shirt.

There is a story that my wife, when she was younger, dated a very handsome but a very poor young man. She had also dated a very wealthy but very ugly young man. She always said that if she ever found a happy medium between the two, she would marry him. And sure enough, she married the poorest, ugliest man on campus.




An Ode to Laura, My New BFF


Dearest Laura,

Thank you for driving all the way to my home yesterday just to bring my Lymie family a homemade casserole. What a wonderful thing to do for a friend you haven’t seen for over a year.

More Importantly:

Thank you for refusing to bat an eye when Tish, Amma, and I greeted you at the door in a tutu, diaper, and a pajama top and torn jeans, respectively.

Thank you for gracefully stepping over the 40 million matchbox cars and plastic animals scattered all over the family floor.

Thank you for pretending that Tish was not stomping her feet and wailing and slamming doors because SHE WANTED A COOKIE NOW RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW.

Thank you for laughing when Amma came out of the bathroom with an entire roll of dental floss wrapped around her hands.

Thank you for continuing your story without missing a beat when my little angels started pummeling each other like WWF wrestlers over a plastic elephant.

Thank you for “not noticing” when I let Amma eat her spilled snack, one cheeto at a time, off of our dirty kitchen floor.

Thanks for refusing to raise an eyebrow when I let the girls run relay races in the kitchen…or when Amma ran full speed into the oven with her head. And thanks for pretending not to see the resulting welt on her forehead.

Thank you for not pointing out the fact that I was sweating and twitching throughout our entire visit. And for repeating yourself when I got distracted. I wasn't listening to you, Laura. Because I was mentally rehearsing telling Craig that I may have misheard God, that perhaps He wanted us to adopt out instead of in.

Thank you for saying things like, “Hey. I have a three year old, too. I know how it goes.” And not saying things like, “WOW. So you write a PARENTING blog, huh? And people READ it?”

Laura, what I'd really like to say to you is this:

“Oh my gosh, Laura, it was such a WEIRD day! The girls were SO tired. They missed their naps, you know. They’re not USUALLY LIKE THAT.”

But I can’t, Laura, because a long time ago I made a very shortsighted promise to myself that I wouldn’t lie on this blog.

One last thing, Laura.

Thank you, especially, for writing “TAKE OFF PLASTIC COVER” as the first direction on the casserole.

I woulda cooked it with that lid on, Laura. You know I would have.

Laura, I think this might be the re-beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Thanks, girl.

Love, Glennon






Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Guest Post, from Our Rebecca




Wasn't I Supposed to have Perfect Children?

I know this is an unrealistic question, but I have asked myself this so many times. I had a tough adolescence and young adulthood. My life was very dark and confusing for many years due to my own choices. When I finally turned my life around I met Prince Charming. I had prayed for him and God delivered an amazing husband who loved God, and who loved me, despite my colorful past. Life was finally perfect. So naturally it was time to add some perfect children to the mix. Caroline was born 2 ½ years into our marriage and oh was she perfect. So beautiful, so sweet, so absolutely perfect. A delight to parent, a little jewel. Like all children she has her moments, but her moments are my moments and I totally get her. We click.

Two years later Max was born. I was not expecting a boy, I wanted another girl. I wanted to dress them up in matching clothes and hair ribbons. I wanted to make other people envious with the cuteness that I would unleash on the world. But that did not happen, I was given my Max. At 6 weeks old I began to have a funny feeling Max was “not perfect." I could not put my finger on it, but I just felt it. The first year was a blur of adjusting to being a parent of two, so I didn't have much time to dwell on my funny feeling.

The second year was better, I was getting used to things and Max was adorable and full of smiles. However, it was during that year that I began to notice he was not hitting his milestones. He was a little late with crawling, walking, talking, pointing and waving. This didn't seem to be too big a deal. I heard that second children can be slower with things, so I rolled with it. What began to concern me though were the looks. I would take him to a mommy and me music class and he would enjoy himself and then cry hysterically every time the song changed. At first I thought, “OK, he is a boy, right, these things happen.” However, I didn't get the “I have been there looks”. I was getting the “oh, he is special, poor you” looks from other parents. This really undid me and I would leave the class in tears. I swore off classes for a while and then I thought I would try again, I picked a tumbling class. What little boy would not love to run around a gym and flop on mats? He screamed, he hated it, he wouldn't participate and he wanted back in his stroller. I sat in the car in the parking lot and called my mom in tears.

This is where it began, the journey of denial, education, love, heartache, amazing friendships and worry beyond what I though possible. An Early Intervention team came to look at him. (this runs through the county school system). He was deemed delayed in play, speech, gross motor, fine motor and self help skills. Before they came I had convinced myself it was all a mistake and I was just a neurotic parent. They were going to tell me he was just like his daddy, an inside boy, a junior engineer, that was all. But they didn't, they pointed out things like the fact that he could only bend at his waist and could not squat at all. We knew he had a funny run, but they told us technically it was not even a run, since both feet never left the floor at the same time. They told us that playing the piano for 45 minutes at a time was a bad sign in a 22 month old, and that the three electronic toys he played with over and over, was not “just like Daddy” but a sign of delayed social skills.

We started therapy right away, Speech, Occupational and Physical. He was referred down to the Denver Children's Hospital for tests for Muscular Dystrophy, Fragile X, Thyroid issues and Chromosome deletions. Every test was a roller coaster filled with fear. I was sure with each test it would come back positive and I would grieve it. Then we would get the negative results I would shout to the world, see my son is normal. Then they would order another test, I would grieve again, and then again shout SEEEEE!

But I knew something was wrong, he could not go up and down stairs, he still crawled a lot, and he had big transition problems. We were encouraged as we watched his speech improve quickly, but with his new found speech we noticed a new problem. He would get stuck and repeat the same thing over and over again. He was unable to turn his thoughts off. This was a tough one. I felt I could handle physical issues, but mental? That seemed scarier somehow.

I felt so alone. From the beginning there were SO many well meaning friends and family who would say, “he will be fine, he is just a boy, don't worry he will grow out of it, he is a late bloomer.” Part of me wanted to believe them but most of me wanted to scream at them since they didn't get it. I pushed people out of my life, I struggled with close family members who were only trying to help, but it felt like no one was helping. I wanted support, but I didn't want to face things fully. No one was going to be able to say the right thing to me.

My husband was by my side encouraging me. His engineer brain accepted right away that something was wrong and we would just be logical about it and help Max. He was not swinging from one side to another like I was. He listened and comforted at every step. I met a woman through an Ebay transaction. Such a random way to meet someone, but we clicked and we shared. She had walked in my shoes with her own son with special needs. She was amazing, she helped me SO much on this journey. When I would be mad, sad, confused or all of the above she would email me letting me know she heard me, that it was OK to feel those feelings. Then she would gently ask me where I was on accepting things. Fine, just fine I would report. After all I was driving him to Denver for tests, he was just enrolled in a therapy preschool, what could I not be accepting?

But she knew my heart, and my heart was breaking over and over. We would have a good day and I would convince myself it is all a mistake and that my son was totally normal. Then our usual life would return and I would be devastated all over again. I felt like on the good days the blinders had been ripped from my eyes. I saw how NORMAL people got to live. I would be overcome with anger and even rage at my lot in life, where was my perfect?

After swinging from good to bad for 18 months I hit an emotional wall and a car door....one day Max had spent over an hour obsessing, saying the same sentence over and over. I tried every trick I knew, nothing worked. I was spent, sad and scared. What was happening to my son? I went to load some things in the car for preschool and in my distraction I opened the door right into my forehead - hard. I saw stars. I came back into the house sobbing. That moment changed everything. The hit on the head woke me up. It woke me up to the fact that that I needed help too. I could not keep going on this roller coaster. I had to get off and accept our life.

It has been said that when you hit bottom the only way left to go is up. That has been true for me. I stood up, and with the help of friends, my doctor and my family, I am now climbing up out of self pity and my longing for perfection. I am healthy enough now to make changes for Max that are showing some great results for him mentally. His stuck thoughts seem to be less and less and when he does get stuck he doesn't stay that way very long. This has brought us great joy and hope. I have also gained enough strength to handle his recent physical set backs, which although very concerning are laced with peace. He recently spent 10 days limping with 2 days not being able to walk at all. We have no idea why, but I know what ever it is, more medical tests are on order, we can handle it.

I struggle to even put into words the changes that have happened in me. I see Max so differently now. I feel hope. I didn't realize how much I was missing that. I feel that we are apart of something bigger. I can now see so many blessings and beautiful things that are happening, where before I could only see our pain. I am humbled by this journey and I realize it has only just begun. We still have both good and bad days. I am slowly learning to love the good days, to be thankful and to cherish them for the rest and blessing that they are. When the bad days arrive, I have more energy for them now, I have more hope stored up.

God gave this child to me. It is very obvious to me that he was not given to me due to my amazing ability to parent him. I see how he was given to me so I can grow. I am profoundly thankful for this opportunity...I need it. I have a new definition of perfect now. Perfect is a child who helps you grow closer to God. Max does this, through his trials and his successes I feel us moving closer. And it is just perfect.